She put her entire life on the table. Literally. With little figures. In no time the whole table was covered.

The reason? She was dismissed from her job.

But when she laid out her family situation so visually, something happened. She started to cry. “I miss this so much”she exclaimed.

For years she had carried on. Grin and bear it. Until she couldn't anymore.

The workload was the trigger. Her changing family situation was the cause.

By finally breaking through that layer of absence — and taking the time and space for it now — her energy returned. And her peace.

This story is not unique. I have a good number of others just like it.

Unexpressed grief (with thanks to Jane Coerts) is regularly one of the causes of chronic stress. Or plays a starring supporting role.

What does it mean?

You haven't truly processed a loss—whether it's the death of a loved one, a divorce, a dashed dream, or a significant career change. The grief wasn't acknowledged at the time or was suppressed in order to carry on. This has caused the mourning to remain, as it were, ‘congealed’ in your body and system.

The grieving body

There is another connection I encounter frequently. A great loss causes a significant amount of stress hormones in your system.

I remember it well: how unsettled I felt, even physically, when my father passed away suddenly. I couldn't relax anymore. Couldn't sleep. That lasted for quite some time. I wasn't able to function as well — my nervous system was all over the place.

Psychologist Mary Connor wrote an interesting book about it in 2025: ‘The grieving body’. A grief expert, Riet Fiddelaers-Jaspers, made a podcast about it: look here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVtnkZEcu-8

Connor uses a beautiful metaphor: Dutch brakes.

Imagine this: you're a foreigner riding an old-fashioned Dutch bicycle with a backpedal brake. You're constantly startled, having to get used to the traffic.

After a profound loss, that adjustment is constantly present. You constantly ask yourself: “Oh, who am I now? And how do I handle this situation?”

It costs a lot of energy. Stress hormones are continuously produced.

What does this mean to you?

At Lemongrass Coaching Our mission is to enhance personal leadership.

And my question for you is: What does it do to you, or to a colleague or employee, when the inner compass is clouded by stress and grief?

Because that's often the case: not stress of grief, but stress I grief.

Awareness is the first step

Becoming aware of this connection can help. It opens the door to appropriate support, so that there can be space again and the compass can become clear.

Do you recognise this? With yourself, or someone on your team?

Engage in conversation. Sometimes one conversation is enough to open the first layer.