New blog: another conversation with yourself ...

In conversation with yourself. An (unaccustomed) introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS)

In our work, we are used to setting goals, solving problems, improving processes and going for the best result. We often take that same attitude with us when it comes to ourselves. Personal development then focuses on: what should be different, what should no longer be there, what should I learn better, how do I get to the desired goal faster?
In the last quarter of this year - thanks to and together with colleague Janique - I was introduced to IFS. This is a therapeutic method or perhaps rather thought process, widely used in healing trauma. In this blog, I share my experiences and take you through the first principles of IFS. I hope to inspire you to look in a different way at feelings, traits and behaviour that you judge negatively and would like to get rid of.

IFS at its core: all parts in you are allowed to be there.
IFS assumes that each of us has different ‘parts’ within us. For example, a strict part, an adolescent part, an anxious part etc. Parts that all have a function and were (once) created and exist for a reason. Also parts that we find awkward, uncomfortable or unwanted. Whereas many approaches steer towards strengthening good sides and reducing difficult feelings, IFS invites you to enter into conversation with all feelings and parts of yourself that present themselves, accept them and take them seriously. Not to get stuck in them, but to explore them, understand them and ‘heal’ them where necessary and possible.

From mild resistance to curiosity
To be honest: at first, I found the idea of engaging with ‘parts of myself’ quite uncomfortable. It felt contrived and unnatural. Yet when I parked my (pre)judgment about it and practised it, I noticed that it was quite rewarding. Apparently there are new or different answers inside you, which emerge when you create the safe space for them. A simple example.

Imagine: you are going to a networking event. You would like to make smooth contacts and meet interesting people . But instead, you feel uncomfortable. Thoughts shoot through your head like, “They probably won't find me interesting.” You withdraw, avoid contact, and then also feel angry at yourself and your hopeless social skills. Meanwhile, you look with envy at that colleague who seemingly effortlessly addresses everyone. You come home feeling rotten. If you were to explore that feeling, what feelings and parts would you encounter? There then seems to be:

• a brave part that did go to the event and rose to the challenge
  entered into
• a vulnerable and insecure part that fears failure and rejection
• a jealous part that compares with others
• a self-critical, judgmental part that is angry because ‘things didn't go well again’
• a part that can observe what you think and feel about this

Instead of condemning one of those parts or wanting it gone, you can engage with it and ask - in your mind or out loud - questions like:

• What is your task or function?
• Where or when did this part originate?
• What does this part of you need in order to step back?
• How can you ‘collaborate’ with the other parts?

It is precisely because everything is allowed to be there, without judgement, that space is created. Sometimes you get an answer about when and why it was once created that makes you understand yourself more. Or maybe the part indicates what it needs to work less hard.

Perhaps you recognise yourself in this example, or something completely different is going on in your life. Next time you experience a bad feeling, invite yourself to change your attitude:

• Where do I feel this in my body?
• Which part of me is active now?
• What does this part have to tell me and what does it need from me?

Curious to see what it gets you!

In conclusion
This is just a small tip of the iceberg of IFS. A more comprehensive description can be found, for example, in this blog by IFS lecturer Robert Haringsma: https://www.depsycholoog.nl/internal-family-systems-ifs/

I hope to have inspired you with this blog to become curious about this way of exploring. LemonGrass Coaching colleagues Wendy van der Kragt and Janique Wienk have also immersed themselves in IFS. Where it connects and adds value, we deploy what we have learned within our coaching. If you want to know more, feel free to ask us!