Also at work, you take your family with you

Also at work, you take your family with you

How systemic coaching can give insight into how you bring your family system into your work

When work affects more than you care about
You may know it: a colleague or manager triggers you so deeply that it throws you off balance. You try to remain professional, but you feel frustration, tension, maybe even sadness or physical complaints. It affects you - more than seems logical based on the situation itself.

What is actually happening here? In coaching, we often see these kinds of work dynamics reverting to old experiences from your family of origin. Not just the roles you used to take on - such as mediator, caretaker or pleaser - but also the unprocessed pain associated with them travels with you.

In coaching, we explore such patterns, for instance by taking a systemic look at what is going on. By this I mean that together we look at the place you used to occupy in your family/family, what unconscious dynamics were at play there, and how they are now repeating themselves - often subtly but powerfully - in your work.

Real-life example: the burden on Bob's shoulders
My client Bob (fictitious name) is a manager in a medium-sized company. He is getting stuck in his relationship with his supervisor. During a coaching session, it turns out that he experiences the same feelings in his relationship with his manager that he used to experience in his family in relation to his mother. He feels responsible, experiences pressure and loses himself in caring for others.

To make this visual, we do a simple set-up with chairs: one for himself, his mother, his father and his little brother. Distance, viewing direction and positioning reveal how the family members relate to each other. The pulling power of his mother's chair behind him is striking. As the eldest son, Bob felt responsible for her well-being from an early age.

The same dynamic repeats itself at work: he stands between two partners of the company, trying to mediate and bearing the burden of the team. He now recognises this pattern not only mentally, but also physically - the tense shoulders and neck pain he has been struggling with for some time appear to be closely linked to this.

Insight as a starting point for change

He then symbolically returns the burden/responsibility he carries to his mother and he finds that this gives him relief. I advise him to do a full family constellation once and he does. This helps him gain even more insight and space to take on a different role - both privately and professionally.

 What do you (unconsciously) take with you to work?

Do you recognise recurring patterns in working relationships that cost you energy? Coaching can help bring clarity and movement in this. Please feel free to contact us for a no-obligation introductory meeting at Lemongrass Coaching Amsterdam via info@lemongrasscoaching.nl. Our team of experienced A&O psychologists & coaches would love to help you further in your professional and personal development! We are experienced in the areas of: personal leadership coaching, career coaching, stress and burn-out coaching and executive coaching